It's Never Enough Read online

  It’s Never Enough

  Cynthia Moore

  Blush Sensuality Level: This is a sweet romance (kisses only, no sexual content).

  Lady Selina Durwood has been in love with Lord Robert Crestor since she was a young girl. As the years passed by and their relationship matured, it was assumed by all who knew them they would eventually marry. But before leaving to join the fight against Napoleon, Robert releases her from any such agreement.

  Invited to spend the Christmas holidays with her parents at Robert’s family’s estate, Selina agrees to attend believing Robert is still stationed with his cavalry in Brussels. But upon entering the kitchen with her maid for a late-night meal, she unexpectedly encounters Robert.

  Through his strange questions and behavior, it becomes clear to Selina that Robert is quite confused about her feelings for him. Will she be able to convince him that he is the only one for her? With a little help, she just might.

  A Blush® Regency romance from Ellora’s Cave

  It’s Never Enough

  Cynthia Moore

  Dedication

  To my daughter, Emily.

  The advice you give is invaluable and priceless to me.

  I love you.

  Chapter One

  December 23, 1815

  “Ellie! Miss Worth! Please wake up!”

  “What…what? Whatever is the matter, my lady?”

  “I’m famished. I can’t sleep. My stomach is growling like an angry bear with a bee in its ear! You need to accompany me to the kitchen.”

  Miss Worth yawned loudly and then looked embarrassed. “I’m sorry, my lady. We were traveling all day to get here and I ate a huge meal in the servants’ quarters this evening. I’m plumb exhausted as well as stuffed. Are you sure you’re hungry, my lady?”

  Selina walked back into her own room and reached for her wrapper. She tied it securely at her waist and thrust her feet into the slippers that were on the floor near the bed. “You know what has happened lately whenever I go to balls or parties and I have to sit at a table and eat food surrounded by people I don’t know. I get nervous. I worry someone will ask me a question just as I take a mouthful of meat. Or a piece of cabbage will get stuck in my teeth and it will shine like a green beacon for everyone to see when I smile. I end up taking a few small bites before the hostess rises from her seat and announces it is time for the women to leave the gentlemen to their brandy and cigars. Such a thing occurred tonight.”

  Miss Worth sat up in her cot and frowned at Selina from the connecting room. “But, my lady, Lord and Lady Dunstable have been friends of your parents since before you were born. And you’ve known Lord Rockton for many years. Surely you have no trouble eating a meal around them?”

  Selina began pacing across the carpet that lay in front of the hearth. She needed some sort of activity to keep her mind off her hunger pains while she waited for Ellie to get ready. “Of course I don’t. But several new acquaintances are joining us here for the holidays. A Lord John Bartley, his sisters, Miss Bartley and Miss Frances Bartley and Lord Bartley’s friend, Sir William Elsmere. They were all at the table this evening.”

  Miss Worth struggled to her feet and thrust her arms into her wrapper. “Oh yes. I believe I heard the butler mentioning the arrival of more guests. He seemed very upset that Lord Crestor hadn’t made an appearance, my lady.”

  “Robert…um, Lord Crestor? He is busy with the Cavalry Brigade in Brussels. He can’t make time to be with us now.” Selina stopped pacing and frowned down at the glowing bits of coal in the hearth.

  “But, my lady, Napoleon is safely imprisoned on Saint Helena. Surely Lord Crestor could take some time away from his duties to be here for the holidays?”

  “You seem unduly concerned by his absence, Ellie.” Selina raised her eyebrows as she looked at her maid.

  “I’m the one who dried your tears after he left, my lady. I know how much you love him.”

  “Yes, well, Lord Crestor made it perfectly clear that any thoughts of affection I might have had were misplaced when he released me from any prior claim to him just before he left to join his regiment in April.”

  “My lady, you know that he hadn’t formally asked for your hand. He wanted you to be free in case he should be killed in battle.”

  “We’ve been over this before, Ellie. He obviously didn’t care for me as much as I did for him.” Selina forced a smile upon her face and picked up the lighted taper on the bedside table. “Come, my mouth is watering when I think of the roasted quail and apple tarts that are taking up space in the larder this very moment.”

  They made their way down the stairs, through the darkened entryway and tiptoed past the housekeeper’s quarters at the back of the house until they reached the door leading to the kitchen. Selina put a shaky hand against the frame as a loud rumble of hunger emitted from her stomach once again. Without further ado, she turned the knob and entered the room.

  “Selina…um, Lady Selina? Is that you?”

  Her hand trembled and the candle wavered as she heard the sound of the deep, soothing voice of the man she had known and loved since childhood. She raised the candle and focused her gaze on the figure that had risen from the nearby table. She stifled a gasp when she saw him clearly. He had lost a considerable amount of weight in the months since he had gone away to battle. His black hair was still thick and wavy, brushed back off his forehead. But his cheek bones seemed more pronounced and prominent on his face. He had taken off his coat and draped it over the back of a chair. His cravat was untied and his white linen shirt hung loosely across his chest. As she looked into his hazel eyes, she had the impression that he was holding himself in check—hiding something from her. “Robert? Uh, Lord Crestor? I thought you were still in Brussels.”

  “I was until a few weeks ago. I had some business in London to attend to for the past several days and didn’t stop for a meal before I came here. Were you late arriving as well?”

  “No, no. I found I was still hungry. I couldn’t sleep.” As if on cue, her stomach growled loudly. She put her hand over it in an attempt to quiet the noisy organ. It was at that moment she suddenly realized she was standing in front of Robert wearing only her nightclothes. Her hair was unbound, hanging loosely across her shoulders. She turned away from him. “Please finish your meal, my lord. I will return to my room.”

  “I protest, Lady Selina, it is obvious you need something to eat. I would be a heartless individual to turn you away. Please sit down and share the food with me. Look, I discovered some sliced beef, two roasted quail and a large portion of boiled potatoes. There are also apple tarts for dessert.”

  She stared with barely concealed longing at the abundant amount of edible items covering the table.

  “My lady, go on and have something. I’ll sit over here on a chair in the corner and wait for you.”

  Selina had forgotten Ellie’s presence after her shock at seeing Robert. She faced him again. “My lord, you remember my lady’s maid Miss Eleanor Worth?”

  Robert inclined his head. “How do you do, Miss Worth?”

  Ellie beamed back at him and curtseyed. “I’m very well, thank you, my lord.”

  “Sit down, Lady Selina. I’ll fetch you a plate and some utensils.” Robert strode across the room and reached inside a cupboard.

  Selina pulled her wrapper more tightly across her body before lowering herself onto a chair at the table. Her brilliant idea of locating some sustenance was quickly turning into an extremely embarrassing circumstance. “I don’t need much, just something to tide me over until morning.”

  Robert sat down across from her and began spooning some of the potatoes onto the plate. “What happened this evening? Didn’t Cook fix enough food to go around?”

  �
�No, no, Cook made a beautiful feast. There was plenty for everyone.”

  He placed a slice of beef and one of the quail next to the potatoes and then handed her the dish. He frowned at her. “I don’t understand. Did you have travel sickness? I’ve never known you to suffer any ill effects from being cooped up in a carriage for hours on end.”

  Selina pursed her lips together and avoided his direct look. She picked up her fork and pierced a slice of beef. “It’s…It’s a fairly recent affliction. I…I get uncomfortable when I am required to eat in the presence of others who are not known to me.”

  He didn’t say anything for a moment. Then he reached for his tankard and took a sip from it. “I must admit your confession astounds me. You say this is a recent occurrence. When was the first instance that you were discomposed while eating?”

  “It all started at Almack’s. I attended a ball there in June.” She took a bite of the beef and savored the rich, roasted flavors.

  “Here, let me get you some ale.” He got up and poured some of the golden liquid into a cup and placed it in front of her. “Go on.”

  “My mother and I stopped at the refreshment table to procure something to eat. I had just taken a bite of bread when Lady Jersey arrived and requested to be introduced to me. I quickly swallowed and curtseyed to the lady as my mother performed the introductions. When I stood up and opened my mouth to speak, I choked on a crumb that was stuck in my throat. I began to cough uncontrollably.”

  “I’m not surprised you came to grief. Everyone knows about the atrocious stale bread and dry cake that is served at Almack’s. I wouldn’t be at all surprised to hear many of its patrons have had difficulties similar to yours. However, such an occurrence shouldn’t affect your eating habits indefinitely.”

  Selina looked away from him and took a drink from her cup. The ale was cool and refreshing with a subtle, tart taste. “I know it’s silly of me but I was very embarrassed at the time. Lady Jersey of all people! Now I’ve got myself in a panic over such a thing happening again.”

  “You say this nervousness occurs when you are confronted with people you don’t know. Surely everyone at the table tonight was known to you?”

  “No, that’s not true. Your mother invited a Lord Bartley and his two sisters and their friend Sir William Elsmere to spend the holidays here. Apparently the fairly recent death of the Bartley’s parents in a carriage accident left them in an understandably less than celebratory state of mind. Lady Dunstable was a good friend of the late Lady Bartley in her youth. I understand she hopes to bring about a sort of consolation by including them in the holiday celebrations.”

  A loud snoring sound suddenly came from the corner of the room. Selina turned to see Ellie leaning back in her chair, arms folded across her chest, with her mouth wide open. “I had forgotten. She is very tired.”

  “And you’re very hungry. She’ll be fine where she is for a few more minutes.”

  Selina faced her plate once more and busied herself with the task of eating, thankful that she wasn’t having any problems swallowing the tasty morsels with Robert sitting across from her. The quicker she could finish, the sooner she could rouse Ellie and escape to her room. She stabbed a boiled potato with her fork and dropped it into her mouth.

  “Did you have an opportunity to dance with Justin at Almack’s?”

  Selina looked up and frowned at him in confusion as she swallowed a morsel of beef. “Justin?”

  “My best friend and your acquaintance for many years, Justin Wexler, the Marquess of Rockton. Did you meet him there?”

  “Oh,” she sipped some more of the cool brew. “No, I didn’t see him at Almack’s.”

  “I didn’t have time to correspond with him since I went away. And there was little chance of receiving a letter in Brussels because my location changed quite often.”

  “You will certainly have many opportunities to speak to him if you intend on staying here. He was also invited to spend the holidays at your parents’ home. He was at dinner this evening.” Selina cut a slice of meat from the roasted quail.

  “Justin is here?” He stared at her with an arrested look on his face. “Of course, it would be hard to be parted over the holidays.”

  “Yes, I believe his aunt and his current heir, her son, decided to stay at their home in London for the Christmas holidays this year.” Selina answered him in a crisp manner, confused by his preoccupation with Lord Rockton, albeit he was his valued friend. “I’m certain you will be able to learn all about his recent activities and the state of his health over breakfast tomorrow morning.”

  “Why don’t you tell me something of his recent pursuits, Selina?”

  She spooned the last of the potatoes into her mouth and glanced around the table. “Did you say there were apple tarts?”

  “Here.” Robert turned and plucked one of the flaky pastries off a plate on the counter and placed it in front of her. “Well?”

  She took a bite of the pastry and then closed her eyes to savor the tart, slightly sweet dessert as the bits of apple caressed her tongue. When she looked up a moment later, she started in surprise when she discovered Robert bent forward across the table, his pale, careworn face only a few inches from her own. “I…I’m sorry. Did you say something?”

  “I…it’s not important.” He sat back down and leaned against the back of his chair. He studied his tankard of ale before reaching for it and taking a sip. “As you say, I can learn all I need to know from Justin in the morning.”

  Selina stood up and reached down to make sure her wrapper was secured. His presence in the room with her after so many months away at war was causing great havoc with her emotions. Memories of the pain and hurt she had experienced when Robert told her she should not wait for him were threatening to engulf her. At the same time, it was hard to see him so changed—a faded image of the likeness she kept in her subconscious as something to hold onto and treasure daily. She felt a sudden urge to wrap her arms around his lean shoulders and whisper comforting words in his ear. She must not tarry here any longer. “Thank…thank you for allowing me to share your meal. I’m very grateful.”

  He got up from his chair and walked around the table to stand next to her. He reached out to clasp her arm. “You know I would do anything for you, Selina.”

  She could feel the wet tears forming at the corners of her eyes. She hastily turned away from him before he noticed them and she said something she would regret later. She reached out to shake her maid’s arm. “Ellie, Ellie, wake up. It’s time for us to return to our beds.”

  Chapter Two

  He dreamed of her that evening. She stood before him in a lush garden setting—tall rose bushes that were heavy with pink and white blossoms waved in the breeze behind her. Her green eyes, the color of a stormy sea, were focused on his face. She was speaking to him. Her full red lips were moving but he couldn’t hear what she was saying. He reached out to tuck a lock of her long, silken black hair behind her ear. She backed away from him before he could touch her. Then she began to cry, the tears trickling slowly down her smooth, unblemished cheeks.

  “No!” He opened his eyes, stared up at the darkened ceiling and realized he was in his bedchamber. He took several deep breaths to calm his wildly pounding heart as he tried to make sense of the nightmare. What had Selina been attempting to tell him? Why was she crying? He slept fitfully for what remained of the night, his thoughts in a state of great confusion.

  He rose from his bed in the early morning. He was very tired after the disruptive, nearly sleepless night but he knew the habits of his friend Justin too well. He was one to break his fast not long after the sun had risen. He needed to confront him when he was alone. This would be a perfect opportunity to do so before the others joined them.

  He had warned his valet of his intent the evening before. Foxtel was waiting in the connecting room with a bowl full of warm water. He had a moment to note that his clothing for the morning was draped neatly on a nearby chair. Foxtel was a treasure. He h
ad served in the war as a private and had come to Robert’s notice when he observed his seemingly abundant energy and optimism even during the worst of the battles. His own valet had left to live permanently with his sister on the same day Robert had traveled to join the cavalry. When Foxtel had informed him he had no place to return to at war’s end, he had offered him the position. Foxtel had adapted quickly to the duties of care and cleaning of his garments as well as proving himself an expert with a razor.

  “Good morning, my lord. I trust you slept well?”

  “Yes, I did. Thank you, Foxtel.”

  “We’ll have you ready in a trice, my lord. Please sit down.”

  A short time later, Robert emerged from his bedchamber immaculately clad in a bottle-green-colored frock coat over a gray waistcoat that was shot with silver thread. He had instructed Foxtel to tie his cravat in a casual manner that somehow came off looking elegant. His gray breeches were tucked into shiny leather Hessian boots. He was conscious that his garments hung very loosely on his slender frame but there had been no time to order new clothes during his short visit to London. He strode along the hallway, making his way quickly down the grand staircase. Huntley the butler was at his post near the door. He bowed to Robert as he came near.

  “Good morning, Lord Crestor. May I extend my warmest wishes for a wonderful Christmas and say how happy I am that you made it home for the holidays?”

  “Good morning, Huntley. Thank you. My mother and father will certainly be in for a surprise when they see me.”

  “Lord and Lady Dunstable will be overjoyed, my lord. Cook has far surpassed herself this morning. You will find Lord Rockton inside the breakfast room.”

  “Thank you, Huntley.” Robert walked down the hallway and entered the chamber.

  “Robert! Good God! Is that you?”

  He strode across the room and embraced his friend. “Yes, it is I, Justin. Many pounds lighter and with a rather dim, sobering view of the world at present, I’m afraid.”